Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sad Dreams Lead to Sad Thoughts

As stated. Last night I had a sad dream that made me think of sad things that happened. It went like this:

I just returned from abroad, the country I went to was not stated but it appeared that I worked overseas for years. That was the premise but the scene showed that I was actually standing beside a tree in a vacant lot. I don’t have any idea where that was, but it’s definitely in the Philippines. Under the shade of the tree, I started to dig. I was looking for something. After about 1 ft deep I started to feel something. Yes that was it. A big capsule, typical drug capsule as big as an average size of a pineapple. Guess what, it was a time capsule. I opened it and a stack of letters loomed before me. I started reading one of the letters and I was shocked to see words of hatred addressed to me. I read one after another and I couldn’t believe it, they were all hate letters! There was no sender for each letter but it seems like they came from different people. I never realized being hated could feel so depressing….

Back to reality.

When I woke up, I knew it was one of those weird dreams. But I can’t help feeling lonely. It made me think of all the people I’ve hurt in the past, friends and relatives alike… it’s not like I really wanted to hurt people. I never intended to hurt anyone, but I know I did it. But in the process, I also got hurt. I wonder if they’d ever realize that they were not the only ones who bled. I’m also human and I have the right to have a fragile heart. Thinking about those things made me want to cry. Am I the only one to blame for everything that has happened, were they all my fault? Maybe… Maybe not. If only I was a little wiser, if there were more options, if I was a little more mature… but everything had been said and done and there’s no way to bring them back. No what ifs and regrets can change the present. I can never correct my mistakes, but I can atone for them. I can start anew and be a better person. But I don’t have to change. If people can accept me and my frailties then that would really be great… but if people can’t bear the real me then that’s fine. I just have to be more mature. Surely, I’ll get through this…

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