Perspective, perspective!

One of the ways that I try to overcome my struggles over personal difficulties is gain perspective, and convince myself that whatever it is that I'm going through is just part of the process - to make me tougher, smarter, kinder,  and overall, a better  person. In the past I would do this by comparing myself with people in unfortunate and far worse  situation, like people in war-torn countries, or suffering from dreadful diseases. Somehow it worked because it made me feel lucky and grateful for what I have. But I realized that it wasn't a good strategy, because  it reinforces egoistic tendencies, feeding my mind the notion that I'm better than other people. It's never a good idea to compare yourself with other people. Comparison is only acceptable when you do it with your past self. So that's what I did, every time I feel down, I look at my past journal entries and try to reflect on why my present self is in a much better place than my past self. So today, I  checked my April 7 entries, and this one from 12 years ago was what caught my attention:

Now I don't exactly remember everything that went through that day, but it looks like I received some nasty judgement and made me think of the shinsengumi motto - 悪ぞくさん (kill evil instantly). I know that it was extremely hot and that I was doing some kanji practice and it looked I saw a couple of rats from where I was. Despite this limited information, I can tell that I'm in a better place right now because for one thing, I don't see a rat in any of the space that I occupied today. It's still hot but not hot enough to make me feel that I'm in hell. I got a bit impatient with my classes and my younger sister today, but thank God, I didn't utter any offensive or hurtful words. For perspective, this is  my physical journal entry today: 

I went back to Nihongo practice, and use Google Translate to check my work, but it doesn't read some of the characters I wrote. I'm in a better place because my Nihongo has improved, and based on my choice of words, then and now, I have a much better way of managing my personal difficulties. I love this character development!

But I have to admit, some days feel heavy. The kind of heavy where even getting out of bed feels like a battle. But just like weather, these kind of days pass, they are temporary. I've made it through tough moments before, and so I’ll make it through this one too. One day at a time... I've got this :) 

The Art of Letting Go (Part 2)

More than a decade ago, I began an agonizing journey of quitting my collection. Back then it was quite difficult because I was still at the height of my otaku-ness and I've really grown attached to my collection and it felt like I wasn't done but I felt compelled to stop because of the negative events occurring in my personal life then and it felt like I was being punished for my avarice. So I made a forced decision to quit collecting stuff and I started with a pledge to stop buying toys. I actually did well because I really stopped. But not completely. After a while, I cheated by convincing myself that a music box is not a toy but a musical instrument. Then there were other collectible stuff that I categorized differently to justify my decision to buy them. So the collecting continued albeit at a much slower pace.

The thing about material stuff is that any amount of happiness generated during its acquisition dissipates immediately. The sad thing is, the negative effects brought about for producing material goods are experienced by so many people and species, and will be experienced for many more years to come. This is the part that I didn't understand then. For a long time, I was under the thought that I should be able to buy whatever I want now that I earn more than what I need. I should be able to reward myself with goods I never get to experience growing up. I believed in the power of retail therapy and for a long time, it was a big motivation to work harder. But when I significantly slowed down the collecting habit, I started to realize that it didn't really take anything from enjoying life. Then I saw the documentary The Story of Stuff, I began to understand how my material consumption behavior goes directly against my environmental advocacies. Suddenly I no longer felt the desire to own any anime and manga related merchandise. Even music boxes. And just like that, I quit for good. 

So what happened to all those stuff I've accumulated over the years? I started selling them on Ebay, Carousell, and Facebook Marketplace. I can't really tell just how much and how many I've sold over the years, but it's a lot.

Shirahime Sho manga by CLAMP

Some items I profited because of their rarity, but most I had to sell half the price I got them. Despite the seemingly losing terms, I found the process of selling pre-loved items as immensely rewarding. I learned how therapeutic it was to send the items I loved so much to other collectors who are excited to finally own the merch from their checklist. Not all of my buyers are collectors, some are buying the stuff as a gift. One time I even got a request from a buyer to write a note for a music box set she bought. She was giving it as a good luck gift for board exams. The ones that really made me happy are those who were kind enough to thank me and express their  overjoy for finally receiving my stuff.

  This Vocaloid Music Box Set was bought to inspire a Physician Licensure examinee

While I've sold a lot, there's still so much stuff in my room that I have to get rid of through selling. I would very much like to embrace the concept of living with less. But I  can't just give them away, why? Because I'm not rich, I still need to recover at least a portion of what I spent. Also, there's a better chance that the next owners of my pre-loved items will be properly taken care because they have to invest somehow. Then there are still stuff that I still find hard to let go because there's just too much history attached to them but it has always been part of my hopes and prayers that I continue to grow spiritually, and part of the growth is a complete realization that any attachment to the material world is irrelevant in attaining genuine happiness and life satisfaction. 

Back and Alone...

I just got back from the pharmacy store to buy some personal essentials and cough medicine. I'm all alone at home. My brother and his family moved back to his father-in-law's house while my parents are still on their way home from visiting my uncle in Cabanatuan. I decided to clean my Starbucks tumbler so I can store my water inside my bedroom. I have not used this tumbler since  my career shift to teaching. I have my own mug inside the faculty room so I never had the need to bring a tumbler. But earlier I bought a bicycle bottle holder online with thoughts of  bringing in my tumbler during my bike commute so I won't have to buy soda or any thirst quencher along the way.  After cleaning it and putting in potable water, I realized something. When I bought it about 9 or 10 years ago, I was in a state of emotional turmoil. Now that I'm about to use it again, I feel like I am in a similar state. So now I am starting to associate this tumbler with loneliness. Sort of.. Well, this is the adult world. Happiness is not independent from loneliness, as well as the other types of emotion. They exist along a continuum and one's state of emotion slides through it all the time. Somehow, it feels natural and yet unbearable at the same time. It's another journey and just like before, it will pass. For now, I embrace the possibilities and surprises that this new life will offer.  Oh hello darkness my old friend :)

さくらんぼの実る頃 Le temps des cerises

Quand nous chanterons le temps des cerises,
Et gai rossignol, et merle moqueur
Seront tous en fête !
Les belles auront la folie en tête
Et les amoureux du soleil au cœur !
Quand nous chanterons le temps des cerises
Sifflera bien mieux le merle moqueur !
Mais il est bien court, le temps des cerises
Où l'on s'en va deux cueillir en rêvant
Des pendants d'oreilles...
Cerises d'amour aux robes pareilles,
Tombant sous la feuille en gouttes de sang...
Mais il est bien court, le temps des cerises,
Pendants de corail qu'on cueille en rêvant !
Quand vous en serez au temps des cerises,
Si vous avez peur des chagrins d'amour,
Evitez les belles !
Moi qui ne crains pas les peines cruelles
Je ne vivrai pas sans souffrir un jour...
Quand vous en serez au temps des cerises
Vous aurez aussi des chagrins d'amour !
J'aimerai toujours le temps des cerises,
C'est de ce temps-là que je garde au cœur
Une plaie ouverte !
Et dame Fortune, en m'étant offerte
Ne saurait jamais calmer ma douleur...

J'aimerai toujours le temps des cerises
Et le souvenir que je garde au cœur !


------
English Translation:

When we sing the time of the cherries,
And the merry nightingale, and the mocking blackbird
Will be celebrating !
The pretty girls will go wild
And the lovers will have sunshine in their hearts !
When we sing the time of the cherries,
The mocking blackbird will be singing much better !
When we sing the time of the cherries,
When we go picking in a dream*
Drop earrings...
Love cherries in similar colours,
Falling under the leaf like drops of blood...
But it is quite short, the time of cherries,
Coral pendants which we pick in a dream !
When the time of cherries has come,
If you fear unhappy love stories,
Avoid the pretty girls !
I, who do not fear the cruel sorrows
I shall not live without suffering one day...
When the time of cherries has come
You too will have unhappy love stories !
I shall always love the time of cherries,
It is from those times that I hold in my heart
An open wound !
And lady Fortune, albeit offered to me
Will never be able to soothe my pain...

I shall always love the time of cherries
And the memory I hold in my heart !
-----------------

In the time of cherries, anything is possible, and everything is to be anticipated.

My Name's Flying to Mars!

I also sent my legal name hehe...

There was an episode of my life that comes into my  mind whenever I am faced with uncertainties of the future. When I was still very little, I was probably 5 or six, I was playing with my siblings, I can't remember what we were exactly playing, but in the middle of it, I suddenly felt a chill in my spine. For some reason, the thought of growing up popped into the realms of my thoughts. I remember seeking refugee in the corner of my bed, hugging my bent knees. The thought that one day, all those carefree days would disappear scared my very young mind.

*finger snap*

That day is here. When I think about that weird episode, I realize that it must have been a premonition. To this day, I am afraid. Not of responsibilities, neither the failure to deliver those responsibilities, but the idea of not having a place to belong when everything fails. Gone are the carefree days. Now I have to constantly think of meeting and even exceeding expectations. 

And what about my own aspirations? What happens when the person I visioned myself to be turns out to be too far-fetched for my own capabilities? I can't remember how many times I failed, but the restarting point is always scary simply because everytime it happens, I have no idea how to begin again.

I am tired. 

I need my Nth aha moment. Oprah has been off the air for 4 years.

Where do I go next if all fails, which, the way I see how things are going, I will.

All I wanted is to serve my purpose in this world. A deeper meaning to my existence. Just when I thought I have found it, I am faced with the reality, it's not that easy.

I am tired.

Someday, this abuse of energy will cost me so much, I will regret it. As early as now I regret it. But quitting is not an option, not now. But how long do I keep on fighting and when do I give up? I may face failure in the end, and break my heart all over again.

Oh Peggy Lee, please answer me,

is that all there is?

So the search continues...

Back in that loop...

I have so many things to do, work and school deliverables and deadlines to beat. But I've been staring in front of my laptop for hours and nothing really materializes. Why is that, I asked.

I am so tired...

Also, I've been having a lot of philosophical discussions lately, and I realize this mounting pressure to confront an unresolved issue from my past is becoming more and more evident. These signs are telling something.

No matter how smooth the sailing has been, that missing piece will continue to haunt you.

I am tired... tired of speaking in puzzles.

But when will that courage come?

In the space between truth and lies, I started to disappear...