There was an episode of my life that comes into my  mind whenever I am faced with uncertainties of the future. When I was still very little, I was probably 5 or six, I was playing with my siblings, I can't remember what we were exactly playing, but in the middle of it, I suddenly felt a chill in my spine. For some reason, the thought of growing up popped into the realms of my thoughts. I remember seeking refugee in the corner of my bed, hugging my bent knees. The thought that one day, all those carefree days would disappear scared my very young mind.

*finger snap*

That day is here. When I think about that weird episode, I realize that it must have been a premonition. To this day, I am afraid. Not of responsibilities, neither the failure to deliver those responsibilities, but the idea of not having a place to belong when everything fails. Gone are the carefree days. Now I have to constantly think of meeting and even exceeding expectations. 

And what about my own aspirations? What happens when the person I visioned myself to be turns out to be too far-fetched for my own capabilities? I can't remember how many times I failed, but the restarting point is always scary simply because everytime it happens, I have no idea how to begin again.

I am tired. 

I need my Nth aha moment. Oprah has been off the air for 4 years.

Where do I go next if all fails, which, the way I see how things are going, I will.

All I wanted is to serve my purpose in this world. A deeper meaning to my existence. Just when I thought I have found it, I am faced with the reality, it's not that easy.

I am tired.

Someday, this abuse of energy will cost me so much, I will regret it. As early as now I regret it. But quitting is not an option, not now. But how long do I keep on fighting and when do I give up? I may face failure in the end, and break my heart all over again.

Oh Peggy Lee, please answer me,

is that all there is?

So the search continues...