Dilemma of a Lost Kid

There are so many things I want to tell, yet I can’t put them into writing
So many things I want to show yet I can put them into drawing
There are so many things I want to try yet I can’t find the time
There’s so many role I want to be, yet I can’t find me
I’m in a middle of nowhere

Haay, I’m frustrated… frustrated that despite my hard work and busy schedule I still couldn’t manage to find myself. It’s so hard when you have no idea HOW to start… I do know WHERE to start but I have no means of doing it. I’m given enough freedom but also enough restrictions. How do I put this… it was just like when Shinobu Morita’s father (Honey & Clover) was selecting a qualified person for a position in his company. Instead of a conventional job interview, he instructed his applicants to come up with a plane using raw materials inside the “interview” room. I have this enough space yet I don’t have enough materials. And I admit that I’m not that creative to use what exists. I’m just an average person after all. Of course things like this wouldn’t get me down so easily… at times like this I would always remember Tohru Honda’s (Fruits Basket) “umeboshi” philosophy… Umeboshi is a pickled plum used as a topping to onigiri (rice ball). Well for starters it’s like this: You have something great that you don’t see because it’s at your back. You could only view other people’s back, so you can see what they have that you don’t. Make’s sense eh? I have millions of philosophies on my mind which I got from watching anime and reading manga… but I have no use of putting them into tangible rewards… haay… how complicated life can get…

Hey it's February! Valentine's Day is nearly coming... and i'm still... single hehehe... for that reason, i have never felt the speciality of that day in my whole damn life hahaha. Anyways, if i'll have okane I'll buy my male friends chocolates. I've been planning to do this for more than two years already because it is the practice in Japan... I hope i could push through with it this year...

I'm having IQA training from Monday til this coming Friday. Whoopee! Something to add to my resume hehehe... Tomorrow will be our exam and i'm crossing my fingers that i'd pass. I hope to join our incoming 2nd Internal Quality Audit. But i don't think i'll have the time to review, I feel so sleepy. I had this insomia attacks again, last Monday and Yesterday. I barely have 2 hours of sleep and no it's not because of my laptop. Blame it on Starbucks' white choco mocha hehehe...anyways, this insomia attack inspired me to write a poem... something very timely since valentine's day is 13 days ahead... I just want to share... Read on...


The Poltergeist3:56 AM

Sleepless nights
Eerie silence
Cold breeze
Restless thoughts…

Your smile
Your smell
Your voice
Your tears
Your call
Your touch
Your hug
Your kiss…

Haunts me
Hurts me
Devours me
Kills me

I wish the poltergeist would read this...

in the rain

It’s has been rainy for almost a week now… I’m inspired or rather sentimental during these moments. Rain reminds me of so many things. I had a lot of good memories with the rain that I’d rather not tell for I might get too emotional. But during these rainy days… I miss Soujiro! Yes! My Archetype in the anime/mangalandia hehehe. Anyway, it’s a common knowledge that Kenshin is my ultimate favorite character, but Soujiro was actually my first love in RK. I got hooked to RK because of Soujiro. And his persona reflects so much of me! Anyway, I’m at work and I’m really feeling tired. I got home 3:30 am already and I woke up at 8am, so I came late (again) in the office. We finished the band performances, I drank 1½ bottle of Vodka… (*-*)

I ran out of basic supplies so I had to go to supermarket after my work *sigh* I want to go home and sleep sleep sleep!

Anyways, just want to share something i wrote for Soujiro (and me).... the first line is owned by Nobuhiro Watsuki ^-^x

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Fake Smile

In the rain I smiled, but I was really crying
In the crowd I laughed, but I was really hurting
In the night I’m warm, but I was really chilling
In the light I see, but I was really seeking
In the deal I gained, but I was really loosing
In the game I won, but I was only cheating
In the sky I fly, but I’m actually falling
In the work I’m at ease, but I’m always cramming
In my world you are real, but I’m only dreaming
In the battle I survived, but how I wish I’d be dying